Self-esteem

Question
I have always been an outgoing person and have never had trouble relating or adapting to different situations and people. Last year I was sexually assaulted while coming home from work. Since then my self-esteem and confidence have plummeted. I don’t understand it because as far as I was concerned, I had gotten over it. When I really sit down and think about what I have in life, I could tell you a million things I’m grateful for, but I am now beginning to question myself as to whether I am a good and worthy person, whether I am attractive, to be honest the list goes on and on. Some days I feel great about myself, others I couldn’t get any lower. I’m afraid that if I visit my doctor I’ll be diagnosed with depression or something to that effect. Am I normal to have these feelings after my experience and has it affected me more then I think? Do you think I should see a counsellor?
Answer
YES, you are normal to have these feelings after your experience. YES, it probably has affected you more than you think and YES, I do think that talking this over with a qualified counsellor is an excellent idea. Too many people tend to shrug off or brush these kinds of things under the carpet as if nothing has happened – but something HAS happened and it needs to be worked through fully. An experience like this can have long lasting effects on your self-esteem, self-worth and body image. You have highlighted how your confidence and self-esteem have plummeted. These are warning signs that something is wrong – especially as you say you were always outgoing before. You may not have dealt fully with what has happened to you. Just when you think you are ok, something can happen which may trigger memories or feelings which can pull your self confidence down again and make you feel vulnerable or afraid. This can then cause those feelings of doubt you expressed in your letter. Do talk to your doctor – they are there to help. If you are depressed you can get help to sort this out and put you back on top of your life again. Any kind of assault needs to be taken seriously. Take your power back by getting the help you need. You have every right to feel great about you and live your life free from self-doubt. Refuse to allow the person who assaulted you to continue to have power over you by making your life miserable. Take action, reach out and have the courage to do what it takes to make you feel good again. You’re worth it!

Abusive Relationships
Question
After reading the last issue of Health Living and Wellbeing, the cover story on domestic abuse really knocked me for six. I am a well-educated and successful woman, I thought I had everything life had to offer me with the added bonus of the man of my dreams. Yet, the actions of my husband have led me to believe that I might be in an abusive relationship. I can’t disagree with him and if I voice my opinion he will shout, mock and taunt me that I am useless and only successful because of him. When things are good, things are great, but I have suddenly realised this is because I always make sure that I never disagree with him. I subconsciously have become a ‘different’ person around him to keep things calm. This sudden revelation’ has really scared me. What should I do?
Answer
Firstly, thank you so much for writing and voicing your concerns. As the feature on domestic abuse states – it is vital that you share your fears if you suspect that you may be in an abusive relationship. I understand how shocking it must have been to read the article and see similarities in your own relationship. However, the positive news is that you are now in a position of strength because you have the awareness and information to make changes. No one has the right to put power over you or undermine you to such an extent that you have become a “different” person. You have a right to your own opinions, feelings and thoughts and you have just taken the first step in allowing these to be heard.
I wonder if you have you ever voiced how you feel to your husband? Is he aware of the effect his words and actions are having on you? Would he be willing to go with you to talk this over with a counsellor who is an expert in these matters? If you are too nervous or intimidated to discuss this with your husband and he is not willing to accept or change his behaviour, then please talk to one of the organisations listed in the directory (at the end of the article in last month’s issue). Don’t wait – help, advice and support are all there for you and your husband. Good luck.


Bereavement
Question
I am very concerned about my husband, his father died last year and now he is drinking excessively in my opinion. He can’t make it through the day without having 6-8 beers. Usually he begins at three in the afternoon and finishes up at 11 or 12 every evening ritually. When I try to bring the subject up he becomes very defensive and demands that I drop it. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. To everyone else we are the perfect couple so I don’t have anyone to talk to about how unhappy I am. Can you suggest any possible ways I could go about helping him? I love him very much and I know he is in a lot of pain.
Answer
How hard this must be for both of you. Grief is something which affects every one of us differently and bereavement may take years to come to terms with. Indeed, some people never fully manage to get over their loss and move on with their lives. However your husband is very lucky that he has you and that you love him so much. Try talking to him about his feelings about his father instead of how much he is drinking. Let him know how you feel about his loss and try to enable your husband to open up and share his feelings and thoughts with you. Tell him how much you love him and how worried and concerned you are for him. Let him know that you need him to be around for you and that you don’t want to loose him. Try to get him to change the pattern of his drinking by suggesting that you go and do something together for one or two evenings a week. As you say, his drinking has become a ritual and the key here is to begin to interrupt the habit. You might like to consider and suggest that he sees a bereavement counsellor. This specialised area of counselling is extremely helpful for many people. These counsellors have experience at helping people become more aware of the grieving process and recognise how grief often goes through certain key stages. Through all of this you also need to look after you! Talk to your friends about what you are going through – allow them to see the real couple that you are and leave the “perfect” image behind. Allow your friends to love and support you through this time just as you are doing with your husband. I wish you both well.