Question
In the Red
I am in big trouble but seem incapable about doing anything about it. My finances are a complete mess and I am getting into debt in a big way on a daily basis. I am so scared by all of this that I am physically incapable of even opening the bills as they come in the door. This may sound completely stupid but that is exactly what is happening to me. The fact that I am writing this letter in the first place just shows how far things have gone. I know I need help but sincerely don’t know what to do. You are the only person I have ‘told’ about this and I hope you can help me.
Answer
Thank you for writing. Recognising that you are in trouble and being able to tell someone about this is a major step to solving this problem. Situations like this won’t just disappear and go away and the only way forward is to confront them and take steps to sort them out. Firstly, is there a family member or close friend you can talk to? Support is vital so that you don’t have to carry this on your own. Talk to someone you trust and tell them what has happened and how you feel. Without knowing all the aspects of your financial situation it’s hard to be specific with advice. However there are organisations that can help sort out repayments of debts and can negotiate on your behalf. One such agency is MABS.(Money, Advice & Budgeting Service). Your citizen’s information centre will be able to give you more advice on this. Look them up in your golden pages. You could also consider speaking to an independent financial advisor. You don’t say how you got into this situation but if you have an addiction or compulsion to spending money then counselling may be of great benefit. Many counselling services offer a sliding scale of payment. The most important thing is to stop this situation escalating any further. It CAN be sorted and you have taken the first step. Just think how good you will feel when this is all resolved and you feel in control of your finances again. You can do it!
To Tell or not to Tell
Question
My best friend is engaged to a creep! I have just found out that this guy has been playing the field on a continual basis for the past year. He works for a computer company and does a lot of travelling so he gets away with it. I actually heard it from a friend of his who really is fond of my best friend. He thinks things are getting way out of hand - basically 2 to 3 one-night stands every week – and that is why he has broken his silence. I am worried sick that this creep may firstly not be practising safe sex and secondly that he will break my friend’s heart. I know I should tell her but I don’t know the best way to tell her. Can you give me some advice? Lea, Dublin
Answer
I “hear” that you care a great deal about your best friend – she’s lucky to have you. I understand that you are looking out for your friend’s interests but there is just one word of caution that I would put in place. You need to be 100% sure of your facts before you tell her. Make sure that there are no other motives coming from any sources. If there is any doubt about these then you could potentially damage your relationship with her. It is a difficult situation and one in which you need to be very aware of your role. Ultimately this is your friend’s relationship and only she can take control over it. If you feel certain that your facts are correct then ask yourself these questions:
1. How would I feel if I don’t tell her what I know?
2. Is our friendship worth me voicing my concerns?
Go with your gut feelings, and make your decisions based on these answers… You sound like a great friend!
Another Relationship bites the Dust
Question
I have just finished yet again another long-term relationship and am completely disillusioned with life. I was seeing this guy for 3 years when he suddenly announces that we were going nowhere. I am devastated. What worries me even more is that the break up is just another in a long line of serial long-term relationships, all of which have usually ended after the 3 year mark. I am now 34 years of age and am beginning to feel that there is something wrong with me. I see girls in their twenties and early thirties getting engaged and setting up home and I wish it was me. Have I not just met the right man? Jane, Kildare
Answer
When a relationship ends it is easy to blame ourselves for its demise. We can become self-critical, judgmental and put ourselves down as we perceive that we have failed in some way. It’s important to remember that relationships are about learning – about ourselves and others. I know that you feel upset as this is another break up after previous ones but try to view it in a positive light. Look at what you have learnt over the past years. You probably have much more awareness of what it is you are looking for in a relationship and what is important to you. Look at any similarities, patterns and differences. Is there a common core running through all your relationships? You probably know much more about what you want now than you did in the past. There is great value in this. We all have our own time in which we do things. Your past relationships have given you great life experience and when you do meet the right man – you will know (because you know more about yourself). Trust in you and look forward to your next relationship with renewed understanding and insight. Allow yourself to grieve your loss and then open your heart to new experiences and possibilities.
Mother in-law from Hell
Question
We’ve all heard the jokes about the mother-in-law from hell but it’s no laughing matter. My mother-in-law must be the most interfering and critical person I have ever met. It’s got so bad at the moment that I am considering stopping all visits to her but feel guilty about this because I have 2 kids aged 2 and five. I know that it is important that they spend time with their grandmother but it is becoming unbearable. She ignores all the structures that I have in place for the kids – she gives them with all sorts of sweets, lets them run riot through her house. When we leave it takes me about 2 whole days to settle them again before they turn back to being their happy go-lucky selves again. She then has the cheek to hint that I am too hard on them and that I should be doing this and doing that. She criticises my weight, hair, make-up, my relationship with her son, anything that comes into her head and I am SICK of it. For the sake of the kids what should I do? Rachel, Dublin
Answer
Dealing with family relationships can be stressful, difficult and push you to the limits. However, they can also be rewarding, stimulating and supportive if handled in the right way. Take a step back and look at how you are allowing your mother in law to affect your life. You cannot change her behaviour but you can change your response to it. Realise that this is “her stuff” and says more about her than it does about you. It’s hard not to let this get under your skin but if you don’t react to it she has nothing to battle with. With regards to your kids – tell her that they love to see her and you value this but they need to keep to your routines. Stand your ground. Listen to what she has to say but be firm in what you want. They are your children. Try changing the visits to her in some way so that you gain more control over the situation and break the patterns that have built up. Suggest that you all go to the park/zoo or adventure playground. Instead of having long visits with her go for shorter ones. Stopping the visits only ignores the problem and deprives your children of seeing their grandmother. As you say you’ll feel guilty if you do which is also not good for you. Take your power back – gently, kindly but firmly. Put your boundaries in place and stick to them! Good luck!
In the Red
I am in big trouble but seem incapable about doing anything about it. My finances are a complete mess and I am getting into debt in a big way on a daily basis. I am so scared by all of this that I am physically incapable of even opening the bills as they come in the door. This may sound completely stupid but that is exactly what is happening to me. The fact that I am writing this letter in the first place just shows how far things have gone. I know I need help but sincerely don’t know what to do. You are the only person I have ‘told’ about this and I hope you can help me.
Answer
Thank you for writing. Recognising that you are in trouble and being able to tell someone about this is a major step to solving this problem. Situations like this won’t just disappear and go away and the only way forward is to confront them and take steps to sort them out. Firstly, is there a family member or close friend you can talk to? Support is vital so that you don’t have to carry this on your own. Talk to someone you trust and tell them what has happened and how you feel. Without knowing all the aspects of your financial situation it’s hard to be specific with advice. However there are organisations that can help sort out repayments of debts and can negotiate on your behalf. One such agency is MABS.(Money, Advice & Budgeting Service). Your citizen’s information centre will be able to give you more advice on this. Look them up in your golden pages. You could also consider speaking to an independent financial advisor. You don’t say how you got into this situation but if you have an addiction or compulsion to spending money then counselling may be of great benefit. Many counselling services offer a sliding scale of payment. The most important thing is to stop this situation escalating any further. It CAN be sorted and you have taken the first step. Just think how good you will feel when this is all resolved and you feel in control of your finances again. You can do it!
To Tell or not to Tell
Question
My best friend is engaged to a creep! I have just found out that this guy has been playing the field on a continual basis for the past year. He works for a computer company and does a lot of travelling so he gets away with it. I actually heard it from a friend of his who really is fond of my best friend. He thinks things are getting way out of hand - basically 2 to 3 one-night stands every week – and that is why he has broken his silence. I am worried sick that this creep may firstly not be practising safe sex and secondly that he will break my friend’s heart. I know I should tell her but I don’t know the best way to tell her. Can you give me some advice? Lea, Dublin
Answer
I “hear” that you care a great deal about your best friend – she’s lucky to have you. I understand that you are looking out for your friend’s interests but there is just one word of caution that I would put in place. You need to be 100% sure of your facts before you tell her. Make sure that there are no other motives coming from any sources. If there is any doubt about these then you could potentially damage your relationship with her. It is a difficult situation and one in which you need to be very aware of your role. Ultimately this is your friend’s relationship and only she can take control over it. If you feel certain that your facts are correct then ask yourself these questions:
1. How would I feel if I don’t tell her what I know?
2. Is our friendship worth me voicing my concerns?
Go with your gut feelings, and make your decisions based on these answers… You sound like a great friend!
Another Relationship bites the Dust
Question
I have just finished yet again another long-term relationship and am completely disillusioned with life. I was seeing this guy for 3 years when he suddenly announces that we were going nowhere. I am devastated. What worries me even more is that the break up is just another in a long line of serial long-term relationships, all of which have usually ended after the 3 year mark. I am now 34 years of age and am beginning to feel that there is something wrong with me. I see girls in their twenties and early thirties getting engaged and setting up home and I wish it was me. Have I not just met the right man? Jane, Kildare
Answer
When a relationship ends it is easy to blame ourselves for its demise. We can become self-critical, judgmental and put ourselves down as we perceive that we have failed in some way. It’s important to remember that relationships are about learning – about ourselves and others. I know that you feel upset as this is another break up after previous ones but try to view it in a positive light. Look at what you have learnt over the past years. You probably have much more awareness of what it is you are looking for in a relationship and what is important to you. Look at any similarities, patterns and differences. Is there a common core running through all your relationships? You probably know much more about what you want now than you did in the past. There is great value in this. We all have our own time in which we do things. Your past relationships have given you great life experience and when you do meet the right man – you will know (because you know more about yourself). Trust in you and look forward to your next relationship with renewed understanding and insight. Allow yourself to grieve your loss and then open your heart to new experiences and possibilities.
Mother in-law from Hell
Question
We’ve all heard the jokes about the mother-in-law from hell but it’s no laughing matter. My mother-in-law must be the most interfering and critical person I have ever met. It’s got so bad at the moment that I am considering stopping all visits to her but feel guilty about this because I have 2 kids aged 2 and five. I know that it is important that they spend time with their grandmother but it is becoming unbearable. She ignores all the structures that I have in place for the kids – she gives them with all sorts of sweets, lets them run riot through her house. When we leave it takes me about 2 whole days to settle them again before they turn back to being their happy go-lucky selves again. She then has the cheek to hint that I am too hard on them and that I should be doing this and doing that. She criticises my weight, hair, make-up, my relationship with her son, anything that comes into her head and I am SICK of it. For the sake of the kids what should I do? Rachel, Dublin
Answer
Dealing with family relationships can be stressful, difficult and push you to the limits. However, they can also be rewarding, stimulating and supportive if handled in the right way. Take a step back and look at how you are allowing your mother in law to affect your life. You cannot change her behaviour but you can change your response to it. Realise that this is “her stuff” and says more about her than it does about you. It’s hard not to let this get under your skin but if you don’t react to it she has nothing to battle with. With regards to your kids – tell her that they love to see her and you value this but they need to keep to your routines. Stand your ground. Listen to what she has to say but be firm in what you want. They are your children. Try changing the visits to her in some way so that you gain more control over the situation and break the patterns that have built up. Suggest that you all go to the park/zoo or adventure playground. Instead of having long visits with her go for shorter ones. Stopping the visits only ignores the problem and deprives your children of seeing their grandmother. As you say you’ll feel guilty if you do which is also not good for you. Take your power back – gently, kindly but firmly. Put your boundaries in place and stick to them! Good luck!
