Abusive Relationships
Question
This is very embarrassing to admit but I have to talk to someone about it. I get very abusive towards my boyfriend when I have been drinking and it is causing huge problems. I think he may be thinking of leaving me it has got so bad. I get very insecure when I drink and start imagining that he has been with other women. If I am honest I feel this when I am sober but only have the courage to let him know when I am drunk. I know that what I am doing is damaging but I can’t help myself. I feel I can only be ‘honest’ when I am drunk. It doesn’t happen very often but when it does it can get very nasty. He is a very quiet, composed person who hates confrontation of any kind and I know that even though he has strong feelings for me these are fading because of my behaviour.
Answer
There is a belief that we say what we truly mean when we are drunk. It’s true to some extent as alcohol lowers our defences and takes our inhibitions away. However, alcohol also clouds our vision and feelings and issues may become intensified and magnified out of proportion. Your letter indicates that you already know what to do to resolve this problem. That you need to have the courage to talk to your boyfriend about the feelings you have. Not when you have been drinking but in a calm and sober atmosphere. There are clearly things you need to say but are afraid of doing so and so they come out in anger in an alcohol induced state. This is not only abusive to your boyfriend but to you as well. Share your feelings with your boyfriend and tell him how worried you are that this is damaging your relationship. Explore ways by which you can work together to help you feel more secure and able to express your feelings and needs. You had the courage to write to me – that’s the first step. Now be brave enough to express your feelings to your boyfriend. You can do it!

Career
Question
My husband is totally obsessed with his job and I fear that he will always put his career before our relationship. We don’t have any kids yet but I would dearly love to. Every time I bring up the subject the usual reply is ‘next year, when things calm down in work’. I have been getting that same answer for two years now. I never see him anymore, all he talks about is work and the people that he works with and how brilliant they all are - I don’t care about these people and every evening they might as well be sitting on my couch I know so much about them. More importantly, I don’t know him anymore, our sex life is practically non existent and I am beginning to dislike him intensely. I really fear that I have fallen out of love with him and that it is too late to go back to the way we were. I know this happens to so many couples, which makes me so sad but I am being realistic.
Answer
Communication is at the heart of any relationship and a sense of “working together” to achieve similar goals out of life. You said that you don’t know your husband anymore. This is a key point. Begin to get to know him again and find out what his goals, values and priorities are. Connect with him on his level. Ask him questions about his work – what it gives him personally and more importantly what is it he’s working for? I know you say you are fed up with hearing about it however his answers may provide you with some valuable insight. It could be that he sees work as a way to finance the future for a family and that it’s important for him to be able to provide a secure base. Perhaps he’s concerned that children will prevent him from doing the things he wants to do. Whatever it is needs to be talked about so that you can both make decisions. If you have been getting the same answer for the past two years it’s time to ask a different question. This doesn’t mean that you give up your dreams of having children – just that you change your focus. Allow yourself to get to know the man you fell in love with and gently explore how children will enrich and deepen your relationship.

Kiss and Tell
Question
I hope you can help as I don’t know what to do. I saw my husband kiss a woman he works with at a staff party a few weeks ago. I went into complete shock and have still not spoken to him about it. I am afraid of losing him and because of that have not confronted him with what I saw. One side of me is telling me is it not better to leave things alone and maybe they will sort themselves out - everything is as it was in our relationship before the incident - and on the other hand I feel that I am worth more than that and what have I got to feel afraid of - but that is usually short-lived. What do you think I should do? I might add that my husband was my first real boyfriend and that I have been with him for fifteen years. I couldn’t imagine life without him.
Answer
I can’t tell you what you should do. Ultimately it has to be your decision. However I can ask you questions which may help you make up your mind. The first one is, if you don’t speak to him about it does the thought go away? Does this choice bring you inner peace? What happens with your relationship if you don’t tell him? Does it bring you closer together or further apart? Be aware of your own personal needs and feelings and ask yourself how would you feel if you spoke to him? How would you feel if you don’t? Is there more trust or less if you ask him about it? And finally, what happens to you if you say nothing? Can you just continue on as before or will there always be a niggling doubt in the back of your mind? The real issues here are about making the decision which will honour and value you and develop your relationship as a couple. This must have been shocking for you and I understand your fears about losing him. But maybe this can be used positively to highlight any problems in the marriage which you both may have been unaware of. This gives you both the power to make positive changes. Your husband may be feeling as badly as you about it and regrets it as a stupid mistake. However you won’t know this unless you communicate with him. The choice as they say is yours. I hope this helps.

Shop Till U Drop
Question
I think that I could be addicted to shopping? I was reading an article the other day about a woman who is having counselling for her shopping addiction and everything she said I could relate to – not being able to afford to shop but I do, buying crazy things that I don’t need, getting this massive high before and during shopping expeditions and then shame and guilt afterwards. I hide bags of things I have bought in friend’s houses, in the boot of the car, in the attic. I finished with my boyfriend a year ago and am wondering whether this might have anything to do with the way I am acting. I got so bored and felt so lonely when we split – I essentially was on my own for the first time in five years with nothing to do. I suddenly realise that I might be in trouble. Do you a lot of people end up in this situation. I feel so stupid and empty.
Answer
Any addiction, stems from a deep need to make ourselves feel better and to suppress feelings of pain, hurt or sadness in our lives. Essentially it is a way to self-medicate and cope with the issues that surround us. You highlighted this so well when you described the “massive high” you feel before and during shopping and then the come down period when reality sets in followed by guilt and the realisation of what you have done. The problem starts when we have to repeat the behaviour which makes us feel good more often in order to get our “fix” As with most addictions we end up harming ourselves and keep ourselves locked in a cycle of addictive and negative behavioural patterns. Begin to break this cycle by making small changes in your behaviour. Start to substitute shopping for something else which makes you feel good. Also, when you are out shopping and you feel the need to buy something, just pause for a moment and ask yourself this question, “What is it I’m looking for? What do I need right now?” Be aware of your feelings. Carry a note book with you and write them down. Self-awareness is a major key to overcoming addictive behaviour. I do feel that perhaps you haven’t dealt fully with the break up of your relationship. Have you allowed yourself to grieve and accept what has happened? Any loss brings with it a new way of being, coping and living. You are certainly not stupid and the shopping just tries to fill the emptiness you say you feel. Be kind to yourself. It may be helpful to talk this through with a counsellor or see a cognitive therapist who can help you break the addictive cycle. You deserve to feel good and this comes from the inside out!