Mid-Life Crisis
Question
I’m in trouble. I have, to those on the outside it all. A well-paid, challenging job, a loving and lovely husband, three healthy children, a nice home that is paid for and a certain amount of financial security. And yet, as middle years approach ( I am in my mid 40s) I feel I have failed utterly; failed to fulfil my potential, failed to make a difference, failed to be a decent wife and mother (in that I go around moping about the place and making everyone else unhappy) loathe the stupid job (but cannot leave it as the children still have to eat) and generally loathe me. If I was someone else and I met me I would probably tell myself to get a grip and grow up. It doesn’t feel that easy from here. So I don’t really know what to do or why I feel this way. Please don’t say it is just a mid-life crisis; it may well be, but that doesn’t help me get out of this situation.
Answer
As we go through our lives, we all, in our different ways try to find ways to create a meaning for our existence. Some people may call this a mid-life crisis, however in psychotherapy it forms the basis of many concepts i.e. Existential counselling. Mid-life is often a time of great transition. We are aware that we are growing older and we look back at what we have achieved and also to what we have yet to do. As time passes we are more aware of our own mortality and the need to create some meaning for our existence. Look at your priorities, values and choices. What is important to you? You have highlighted how you have a lovely husband, three healthy children etc. How important are they to you? What do they mean to you? More importantly, ask yourself what you need to do for you right now? What are the things that you want to do and not simply must do? As you approach this transition in your life allow it to be an opportunity for you to explore who you are. Being in your mid – forties can be one of the most exciting times for change and self-growth. It all comes down to choice, belief and an acceptance of where you are. You can’t get back the years that have passed but you can live the ones to come with a renewed understanding and sense of value of who you are. Many artistes create their best work after the age of forty! Ultimately, it’s not about age, it’s about feeling. Feel great about what you have achieved so far and what is yet to unfold. Your journey may just be starting…enjoy!
Second best?
Question
I’ve recently moved to Dublin and have managed to get myself into a really difficult situation. I’m only here for a couple of months more before I go back to home to Cork but I’ve met a man I really like. The main problem is the fact that he already has a girlfriend. We went out the other week and he dropped a bombshell. I don’t know what to say to him and haven’t seen him since. His girlfriend told him she wants to sleep with someone else and so he told me. However, after he told me this, he was saying that by the time I leave, he imagines things will be very rough with his girlfriend and that’s how he left it. I’m feeling confused in that he doesn’t seem to want to leave his girlfriend for me but if she leaves him then he’d be happy to end up with me.
It has left me feeling slightly used in that I’m only a back up plan. I don’t want to force him to choose between me and his longterm girlfriend but I want to stop feeling so vulnerable. I just need some advice on how to get my feelings across to him without making a complicated situation even worse.
Answer
You are right to feel confused. From what you have said the relationship this man has with his current girlfriend sounds totally confusing. Whether his girlfriend wants to sleep with someone else or it’s going to get rough after you leave is irrelevant. What’s happening here is that you are waiting around for this guy to make a decision about whether he wants to be with you or not. No wonder you feel vulnerable. Allowing yourself to be in this position is making you feel powerless. If his relationship is truly over with his long term girlfriend then he needs to make that decision regardless of anyone else. My advice to you is to take your own power back - walk away, tell him to sort his current relationship out and then if he’s free to be with you, you will talk to him about it then and see where you go from there. Whilst he’s still involved in one relationship he cannot possibly commit wholeheartedly to another. It’s not fair on you, him or his current girlfriend!
Ask yourself these questions:
Is it acceptable with me that I am only a back up plan?
Do I deserve more than this from my relationships?
Do I respect myself enough to be treated with more consideration than this?
Do I want a man who isn’t willing to make decisions about his own life or what he wants?
Allow your answers to guide you. Ultimately the decision is yours and whatever you decide I wish you well.
Sheer Arrogance
Question
I was recently dumped with no time to call a wedding off, now he expects that the house we jointly purchased and that I supplied the deposit for goes to him because he can’t afford to buy me out and he is refusing to sell it. He refuses to answer any correspondence from the solicitor and thinks that I should pay for him calling it off, for a reason only known to him! I feel lost and confused - what should I do? I really loved this guy and I am so hurt but also very angry.
Answer
I am not surprised that you feel hurt and angry. You don’t say why he ended the relationship so abruptly or if you both have thought about seeing a counsellor to see if anything can be resolved from this situation. Understanding this may help you to feel some emotional closure at least. The house situation may be more complicated. I am not a legal expert and the first thing I suggest that you do is talk to your solicitor again. I suspect that there are ways in which you can compel him to sell the house but your solicitor would be the best person to advise you on this.
Try to look after your own emotional needs right now. Do you have any friends or family you can talk to? Treat yourself with extreme kindness and care and make sure that you get enough rest and stay healthy. Any emotional trauma can pull us down and you are going to need to be strong enough to cope with selling the house and beginning to move on with your life. I wish you luck and a peaceful resolution to this situation.
Question
I’m in trouble. I have, to those on the outside it all. A well-paid, challenging job, a loving and lovely husband, three healthy children, a nice home that is paid for and a certain amount of financial security. And yet, as middle years approach ( I am in my mid 40s) I feel I have failed utterly; failed to fulfil my potential, failed to make a difference, failed to be a decent wife and mother (in that I go around moping about the place and making everyone else unhappy) loathe the stupid job (but cannot leave it as the children still have to eat) and generally loathe me. If I was someone else and I met me I would probably tell myself to get a grip and grow up. It doesn’t feel that easy from here. So I don’t really know what to do or why I feel this way. Please don’t say it is just a mid-life crisis; it may well be, but that doesn’t help me get out of this situation.
Answer
As we go through our lives, we all, in our different ways try to find ways to create a meaning for our existence. Some people may call this a mid-life crisis, however in psychotherapy it forms the basis of many concepts i.e. Existential counselling. Mid-life is often a time of great transition. We are aware that we are growing older and we look back at what we have achieved and also to what we have yet to do. As time passes we are more aware of our own mortality and the need to create some meaning for our existence. Look at your priorities, values and choices. What is important to you? You have highlighted how you have a lovely husband, three healthy children etc. How important are they to you? What do they mean to you? More importantly, ask yourself what you need to do for you right now? What are the things that you want to do and not simply must do? As you approach this transition in your life allow it to be an opportunity for you to explore who you are. Being in your mid – forties can be one of the most exciting times for change and self-growth. It all comes down to choice, belief and an acceptance of where you are. You can’t get back the years that have passed but you can live the ones to come with a renewed understanding and sense of value of who you are. Many artistes create their best work after the age of forty! Ultimately, it’s not about age, it’s about feeling. Feel great about what you have achieved so far and what is yet to unfold. Your journey may just be starting…enjoy!
Second best?
Question
I’ve recently moved to Dublin and have managed to get myself into a really difficult situation. I’m only here for a couple of months more before I go back to home to Cork but I’ve met a man I really like. The main problem is the fact that he already has a girlfriend. We went out the other week and he dropped a bombshell. I don’t know what to say to him and haven’t seen him since. His girlfriend told him she wants to sleep with someone else and so he told me. However, after he told me this, he was saying that by the time I leave, he imagines things will be very rough with his girlfriend and that’s how he left it. I’m feeling confused in that he doesn’t seem to want to leave his girlfriend for me but if she leaves him then he’d be happy to end up with me.
It has left me feeling slightly used in that I’m only a back up plan. I don’t want to force him to choose between me and his longterm girlfriend but I want to stop feeling so vulnerable. I just need some advice on how to get my feelings across to him without making a complicated situation even worse.
Answer
You are right to feel confused. From what you have said the relationship this man has with his current girlfriend sounds totally confusing. Whether his girlfriend wants to sleep with someone else or it’s going to get rough after you leave is irrelevant. What’s happening here is that you are waiting around for this guy to make a decision about whether he wants to be with you or not. No wonder you feel vulnerable. Allowing yourself to be in this position is making you feel powerless. If his relationship is truly over with his long term girlfriend then he needs to make that decision regardless of anyone else. My advice to you is to take your own power back - walk away, tell him to sort his current relationship out and then if he’s free to be with you, you will talk to him about it then and see where you go from there. Whilst he’s still involved in one relationship he cannot possibly commit wholeheartedly to another. It’s not fair on you, him or his current girlfriend!
Ask yourself these questions:
Is it acceptable with me that I am only a back up plan?
Do I deserve more than this from my relationships?
Do I respect myself enough to be treated with more consideration than this?
Do I want a man who isn’t willing to make decisions about his own life or what he wants?
Allow your answers to guide you. Ultimately the decision is yours and whatever you decide I wish you well.
Sheer Arrogance
Question
I was recently dumped with no time to call a wedding off, now he expects that the house we jointly purchased and that I supplied the deposit for goes to him because he can’t afford to buy me out and he is refusing to sell it. He refuses to answer any correspondence from the solicitor and thinks that I should pay for him calling it off, for a reason only known to him! I feel lost and confused - what should I do? I really loved this guy and I am so hurt but also very angry.
Answer
I am not surprised that you feel hurt and angry. You don’t say why he ended the relationship so abruptly or if you both have thought about seeing a counsellor to see if anything can be resolved from this situation. Understanding this may help you to feel some emotional closure at least. The house situation may be more complicated. I am not a legal expert and the first thing I suggest that you do is talk to your solicitor again. I suspect that there are ways in which you can compel him to sell the house but your solicitor would be the best person to advise you on this.
Try to look after your own emotional needs right now. Do you have any friends or family you can talk to? Treat yourself with extreme kindness and care and make sure that you get enough rest and stay healthy. Any emotional trauma can pull us down and you are going to need to be strong enough to cope with selling the house and beginning to move on with your life. I wish you luck and a peaceful resolution to this situation.
