Positive Living

with Gerry Hickey

Relationships are, of course, primarily concerned with the two people involved who love each other. In all cases though I have yet to see a relationship devoid of some terms and conditions regarding a few aspects of the couple’s life. This is usually much more relevant when you enter a relationship with partner who is already a parent; you are not simply entering a relationship with your new lover, but also his or her children.
When the children are the product of a previous relationship, they may be living in more than one home and coping with the loss of their original family through divorce or due to death. Even beginning, at this level, to understand the situation as it is for the children is of vital importance to the long-term success of any developing relationship.

Summer often brings these issues more to the fore as children are around the house more and make demands on the relevant adult’s time. Children may not be terribly accepting of a new person in their parent’s life. They may harbour the wish that their parents reunite and would see any new partner as a threat to this happening. Additionally, you could have as much ambivalence about your role in the lives of your partner’s children as they do about your role in theirs. Depending on the age of the children, there are questions around your commitment to parenting, and your partner’s interest in your becoming a parent. There is also the role of other adults in the children’s lives to consider.

Your relationship can be defined as one of the following:
• a caring friend
• a parent’s partner
• a fully fledged step-parent.

When you start having a relationship with a partner who already has children it is hard to know what boundaries you have, because you may either give the children too much of everything or not enough. That is the hardest thing for the person entering such a relationship to work out. Some people say that when the couple have a child together, the children from the previous relationship get left out by the step-parent. This is very important if such an issue arises or has arisen.

Some of the basic questions regarding the children that come up for those entering relations with existing parents are “Am I too hard on them or not hard enough?” “Did I do it right or not?”, “Was the present too big or too small and is it what they really like?” “Do they really like me or are they just saying it to make their parent feel good?”

Decisions will need to be made around three basic questions:

• Is there to be no involvement?
This stance will hardly be a positive one as the parent may sometimes feel lost or emotionally torn in the middle of such an arrangement. It will not really be conducive to the smooth running of the relationship and will eventually lead to conflict which shatters any hope of a mutually caring, supportive environment. The no involvement scenario may be an indicator that the quality of the relationship as a whole needs to be examined.

• Is there to be over-involvement?
This is where the parent’s new partner steps in and takes on the mantle of the missing parent. They slip into the caretaking and discipline roles and soon start to expect the children to behave as they would want them to. There is a danger of alienating the children by such actions as their history with their other parent is ignored and frequently results in resentment and hostility. This is where we frequently witness the “you’re not my real daddy / mammy” throwback which takes great effort to overcome. It’s best to avoid this scenario as much as one possibly can.

• Is there to be ‘just enough’ involvement?
This would be the ideal arrangement. To define it and implement it ought to be the primarily propose of any evolving long-term relationship. Each role within that relationship has responsibilities and challenges. Forming step-families of any kind demands a high level of communication in navigating these challenges. For example, single parents are used to having the final say over their children until such time as they enter a relationship with you. They may even encourage you to be more a part of the family, and yet balk at your first attempts at discipline. Or your partner’s ex may resent your presence in the children’s lives and may undermine your role in their lives. Developing appropriate intimacy with children, while forming a relationship with a new lover, requires finding a proper balance.

I am aware that I have been concentration on the difficult sides of such relationships up to now. I do so as I too often see such relationships in disarray further down the line. And much of the disarray could have been avoided had both parties taken some time to give serious consideration at the outset as to how they were going to construct the workings of their new set of circumstances. However, despite the work and challenges entailed, such relationships can be healthy, successful and life-enhancing. They are a wonderful way to become a parent, even if it was not something you had originally planned for.

In most couples, both partners expect the relationship to last long-term. Factors such as children from previous relationships have to be dealt with effectively if this is to be achieved. Relationships where there are children from a previous union are at greater risk of not working than any other family unit. Sixty per cent of partnerships involving children from previous unions fail and this is significantly higher than marriages without stepchildren.

Like all parenting, there are no set rules and no guarantees for ensuring a contented parent-child relationship. If parenting is said to be the most difficult job in the world, then step-parenting must often feel if it is close to impossible. However, there are guidelines that can help more fulfilling relationships.

1. Agree ground rules with your spouse
It might be stating the obvious, but it is vital to create a plan for parenting. The golden rules of open and honest communication apply here so that the boundaries are clear at the outset. For example, how far will the new partner be involved with the children and to what extent do you have to take into consideration the views of your spouse’s ex when exercising authority? It is a good idea to set a few rules and know where you stand in relation to them. Consistency in applying the guidelines will help things to rum smoother.

2. Acknowledge the children’s loss
All step-families are created out of loss from death, separation or divorce. Children, of all ages, may not have come to terms with this and may well have unreasonable expectations of a ‘recreated’ family. Most experts agree that the answer is to redefine the meaning of ‘family’ by developing an identity as a group. Focus on shared interests and pursue new ones. Develop a different bond with the child not a replacement one.

3. Don’t expect miracles
Instant attachments with step children are rare, and immediate emotional bonding is even rarer. There will be uncertainty and suspicion on both sides, so show respect for their boundaries and expect the same in return.

4. Dealing with the “You’re Not My Real Parent” situation.
This conversation is inevitable, so get it out of the way quickly. Be clear and confident about who you are and admit what you and the child already knows by saying something like: “You’re right. And I don’t intend to replace your Mum/Dad. But I do expect you to follow the rules when I’m the adult in charge.”

5. Discipline by biology
Once the rules have been agreed, let the natural parent take the lead in exercising discipline wherever possible. Not only is it more likely to work, it will help to avoid a build-up of resentment.

6. Have family meetings to resolve problems
When difficulties arise, get the family together to talk openly about how they might be resolved. Children of all ages resent the notion that they have no voice and are not being listened to.

7. Stay united
Never take opposing sides when problems arise, at least not in front of the children. You must present a united front. This helps to provide a secure environment that helps children flourish.

8. Create new traditions
New families have no traditions, so work on building a history of shared memories and experiences. Don’t ignore old traditions, but don’t let them prevent the establishment of new ones. Develop simple activities like Sunday walks and be consistent about them. Take photos and record these events to form the history of this time.

9. Ensure one-on-one time
Find time to spend alone with each step child. While creating a group identity is important, so is building a personal relationship with each child. Try to ensure that your time is shared equally.

10. Don’t ignore your own relationship
Your relationship with your partner is the most vulnerable relationship in the family. Don’t overlook the importance of keeping it healthy, both for you and the children. And guard your private moments together carefully.