Domestic Abuse
Have you ever thought that you might be in
an abusive relationship or that someone you know could possibly be in one?
‘The violent have been victorious for most of history because
they kindled the fear with which everyone is born’.
- Theodore Zeldin, "An Intimate History of Humanity"
Have you ever been afraid of somebody close
to you? It could be someone you live with, someone you are related to, or
perhaps even someone you love. Throughout
Because of the stigma attached to this oftentimes taboo subject, many victims of domestic abuse cannot find the courage to come forward and seek help. They don’t want to admit to what is going on in their homes, or their lives, possibly because they feel ashamed, or because of an innate sense of ‘failure’ on their part. In many cases victims don’t even realise that they are being abused, especially if there is no actual physical violence going on. Sometimes the build-up of incidents is so gradual they are barely noticed - they just become part of normal everyday life. If you have ever thought, even for a minute, that things at home might not be the norm, maybe you should ask yourself a few questions. The following is a checklist of things to ask yourself honestly. It is not meant to be definitive, but it does pose questions that should act as a catalyst if some of your answers are yes.
For
example, has your partner or loved one ever done any of the following:
Blame you for his or her mistakes?
Prevent you from seeing your family or friends?
Curse you, humiliate you, mock you or say nasty things?
Force you to have sex, or to engage in sex that makes you feel uncomfortable?
Hit, punch, slap, bite or kick you?
Intimidate or threaten you?
Ever prevent you from leaving the house, getting a job, or continuing your education?
Destroy your personal property?
Behave in an overprotective way or become extremely jealous?
Threaten to hurt you, your children, pets, family members, friends, or themselves?
A lot of readers may have experienced total shock upon completion of the above exercise. Sometimes we are not prepared to take time out to ask ourselves probing questions, but when we do the reality of the situation can be alarming. If you have been surprised at the answers that you have given, you might want to read on - you might be in an abusive relationship without even knowing you are.
Who
is affected by Domestic Abuse?
Many woman think it can never happen to them? Despite common misconceptions, the harsh reality is that domestic abuse can happen to anyone, from anywhere, at any time, regardless of the type of person they are, or where they come from. It affects all types of people from all walks of life. While it’s true that those of us who are less privileged are more likely to use refuges, this tends to be down to either lack of money or having nowhere else to go - it doesn’t mean that this section of society are the only people affected by abuse in the home. In fact, Women's Aid regularly help the partners of judges, teachers, doctors, politicians and businessmen.
The different types of Domestic Abuse
The term ‘Domestic Abuse’ basically refers to any kind of ill-treatment that takes place in the home, whether it is physical or mental in form. Although most of us think abuse only happens when someone is physically assaulted, this is not necessarily the case. Many victims of domestic abuse have never had a hand raised to them, yet are still victims because they are emotionally maltreated. There are no bruises visible, so this abuse tends to be a hidden crime.
So
when is abuse really abuse?
Abuse can take so many different forms that it can often be hard to identify. The most obvious one is physical, which can involve any of the following acts: punching, hitting, shoving, kicking, beating, assaulting with or without weapons, as well as being choked, being strangled, or being stabbed.
Sexual and mental abuse are just as common,
as terrifying and as damaging as physical abuse. But they are harder to
recognise and can be more difficult to name. And sexual abuse doesn’t always
mean rape - it can also occur if you are being forced to take part in any kind
of sexual act which you do not want to, or if you are forced to watch or
participate in pornography against your will. Even being denied access to
contraception is a form of sexual abuse.
Emotional
Abuse: the “hidden crime”
You mightn’t realise it, but emotional (or mental) abuse can be highly damaging psychologically. It often leaves a vague feeling of pain, a sense that something is not quite right and it is hard to identify. Since it is so difficult to define, victims often cannot even be sure whether they are experiencing it for real or not. They feel like they are on an emotional roller coaster, and they can lose all sense of reality.
Like other forms of abuse in relationships, emotional abuse is based on power and control. It can occur in many different forms such as:
Isolation: Are you ever strongly discouraged from contact with your friends and family? Abusers may even insist upon a move to an area far away from these people, possibly rural or remote if you live in the city.
Controlling finances: Do you find you are often denied access to money, only given a small allowance or made to ask for money? Victims are made to account for all their expenditures and will have no knowledge of the family finances.
Intimidation: Being called names, yelled at, threatened, ridiculed, imitated, degraded, told you are 'stupid', and made to feel useless and inferior.
Playing mind-games: The abuser can manipulate and confuse the victim into thinking that they are the one who is at fault, and that they should be the one apologising for any wrongdoing.
Using the children:Threatening to take the children away or turning them against you.
Anger and jealousy: The abuser will become extremely agitated and threatening if you so much as speak to someone of the opposite sex, even accusing you of having an affair.
(Diana,
34) “As this was my partner, the one that was supposed to love, honour, respect
and protect me, I naturally believed what he was telling me, and then tried
harder in my everyday life to make things better by continually improving
myself. Being constantly ridiculed and put down takes a terrible toll on a
person’s self-esteem and self-worth. I could not understand that it was my
partner that was wrong and not myself.”
Why
do loved ones abuse? It’s all about control
It really is the hardest thing to understand how someone who loves you could possibily treat you so badly. So why do they do it? Many experts believe abuse is in fact the product of deep psychological and developmental scars, and that this can apply to both genders. They agree that there are several common characteristics among abusers - being controlling and manipulative, often seeing themselves as victims, and believing that they should be in charge of all aspects of a relationship.
(Derek,
45, a reformed abuser) "the beatings, the verbal abuse and the
intimidation were all about control. It was like having a new toy. I had the
buttons and I could make her do whatever I wanted. I was trying to intimidate
her. I wanted to control her for the simple reason that I knew I could do it.
It made me feel powerful."
There’s also the common misconception that only people from violent backgrounds themselves become abusers. Of course some people who are violent come from a violent background, but the family is not the only influence on behaviour. Many abusers don’t come from troubled backgrounds, and others who do don’t necessarily go on to abuse in later years. Instead, they choose to deal with their problems in a non-violent and constructive way. Whether they come from a troubled background or not is not the issue - there is simply NO excuse for being abusive to someone.
Why
don’t victims leave? Why do they go back?
The question many people ask is why do victims return to violent or abusive relationships? This is probably one of the most commonly asked questions by the average person who has never experienced domestic abuse first-hand. Victims will often return to their abuser several times before they leave for good, and this can be difficult to understand. Many victims are not aware of the services provided by Women's Aid, Sonas Housing Association, and other such organisations. They are often afraid, and have little freedom or access to transport, or money, or simply feel that they have nowhere else to go. Apart from having nowhere to go, many are also so terrified by their partner that they fear the consequences if they do attempt to leave. It is important to remember that once violence has begun, it not only continues, but also over time increases in both frequency and severity. As the violence continues the ‘tension building’ phase becomes shorter, the battering incidents become more frequent and severe, and with reconciliation periods far shorter.
Cycle
of Physical Abuse:
Build-Up Phase - The tension builds.
Stand-over Phase - Verbal attacks increase.
Explosion Phase - A violent outburst occurs.
Remorse Phase - You shouldn’t have pushed me, but it was your fault!
Pursuit Phase - It’ll never happen again, I swear!
Honeymoon Phase - See, I told you everything would work out. You shouldn’t have been worrying - I’ve changed!
(Aisling,
27) “I didn’t want to accept there was a problem- I didn’t want my family to
know how my husband was behaving, I didn’t want the neighbours to know, as we
were seen as the perfect couple.”
(Bernadette,52)
“I depended on my husband for money. I was afraid I would not have enough to
support the children and myself. I didn’t want my family or friends to know
what was going on.”
(Felicity,
38) “I lost count of how many times I left my husband throughout our marriage-
he would always tell me he’d change.”
Detailed case studies of Domestic Abuse -
Emotional:
(Felicity, 38) “I could never do anything right for him - it was never good enough. It was like walking on glass when he was around, trying to please him all the time. I had no friends, my money was accounted for, and I had to know what every penny was spent on. I had no leisure time in my life - he controlled everything. Make-up and nice clothes were not allowed. He always belittled me to his family. He destroyed any confidence that I had, told me I was fat and ugly. I was dirt on his shoes.”
Physical:
(Amy, 24) “The day I told him I was pregnant I thought would be the happiest of his life. I should never have told him until I was a few months gone, but by your mistakes you learn. He said ‘how do I know the baby is mine? Maybe you’re sleeping around. I don’t want to see you looking like a fat whale for nine months.’ I thought he might change and come around to the idea - little did I know what was in store for me that night. He gave me a slap across the face, and asked who the father of the kid was. I said ‘You are’- why would I tell lies? He called me every name under the sun - whore, prostitute, slut. He kept slapping me, shouting at me to tell him the truth. It went on for hours - shouting, slapping, belting, punching, pushing and hitting. I never knew what violence was until I met this man. It’s a memory I’ll never forget. He got his fist and dug it into my stomach. He kept hitting until I passed out. When he found out the baby was lost, I was to blame. Not him, the bastard who beat me to a pulp. He just said, ‘You had it coming bitch.’
What
can you do and where can you go for help if you are in an abusive relationship?
It is important for everyone to know that
nobody has the right to assault you, and that there are many people and
organisations in
if you suffer from domestic violence the Gardai will give you immediate protection and advice. If you want, a female Garda can be there to help and support you throughout your traumatic experience. The Gardai can also put you in contact with other organisations that can give you counselling, advice or refuge.
The Women's Aid National Freephone Helpline offers confidential information, advice, support and understanding to women who are being physically, sexually or mentally abused in their own homes. The Helpline also acts as a referral to refuge, counselling services, solicitors, legal aid and other agencies, both statutory and voluntary, which are helpful to women experiencing abuse within a relationship.
Families who have lived with systematic violence or abuse over years can be extremely vulnerable. Many will require support for a longer period than can be provided at Crisis Refuge or other emergency accommodation. Sonas Housing Association, who provide houses and apartments to women and their children for a period of up to two years. A key worker is assigned to each woman and where there is a children's support service, childcare staff will work with those families.
If you have read this article and suspect you might be in an abusive relationship, then please talk to someone about it. Maybe you could ask your closest friend for help and advice or, if you would prefer, there are countless organisations you can contact anonymously who will treat you with sensitivity and in the strictest confidence (see directory provided.) Don’t just try to ignore the situation and hope it will go away - it more than likely won’t, and it may even get worse. Always remember that there is no shame in coming forward for help and advice - you just need to find the courage to do it.
(Amy,
24) “My only regret would be not getting out of that relationship sooner. I
never thought I would have the strength to take that final step, but I did. I
am out of it now, and am very happy and proud with myself to have done that.”
Irish
Statistics
100 women have been murdered in Ireland since 1996, a significant number by a partner or ex-partner. This is the most tragic consequence of domestic violence. More than 11,000 women contacted the Women's Aid Helpline in 2002, which represents a 12.5% increase on the 2001 figures.
Almost 1 in 5 Irish women have experienced Domestic Abuse by a current or former intimate partner or husband (Making the Links, 1995). And that's just the reported cases. It is likely that we all know someone who has suffered this cruel treatment. It's also likely that she hasn't felt able to tell us.
It was only as recently as 1991 that the crime of rape within marriage was recognised in this country. Up until then the law held that rape was something "done to a woman by a man other than her husband".
Every year Women’s Aid receive over 8,000 calls. The Rathmines Refuge deals with an average of 10 emergency calls every day. The Domestic Violence Sexual Assault Investigative Unit receives an average of 6,000 calls per year relating to "domestic violence" incidents in the Greater Dublin Area.
Definitions
of Domestic Abuse
When a spouse, intimate partner, family member, or date uses physical abuse, threats, emotional abuse, harassment, or stalking to control the behaviour of their partner, they are committing domestic violence, and this is a crime.
The physical, sexual, emotional or mental abuse of one partner by the other partner in a relationship which may or may not be one of marriage or cohabitation and includes abuse by any family member against whom a safety order or a barring order may be obtained by another family member.
Domestic abuse is the learned pattern of behaviour used by one person in a relationship to control the other person. The partners may be married or not married, living together, separated, or dating.
If you know someone who is suffering from domestic abuse what can you do to help? Listen, and believe them, do not condemn or judge, offer your support so that they may eventually live a life that is free of fear and abuse.
Aisling’s
Story
I
was twenty-one when I got married. I always dreamt of getting married in a
white dress. That was one wish I had. I had second thoughts on the morning I
got married- was I doing the wrong thing? My heart was telling me one thing and
my head was telling me something else. I will never forget that morning. I
asked one of my neighbours if I was doing the right thing. All he said to me
was, “It’s your decision. All I can do is wish you luck.” My parents were
totally against it from the start.
…We
were living in rented accommodation when we got married in a rural town. I was
isolated from all my family and friends. I decided to put my name down for a
County Council house, but I was told you needed to have at least two children
before you were even considered. I had another baby and we eventually got a
Council house. My husband was asked to collect the key for the house and to
sign for the tenancy.
Any
excuse and he would go the pub to celebrate. He would return home at any hour
of the night, and expect me to be up and waiting for him. If I wasn’t up he
would bang the door and shout up the stairs even though the children were
asleep. I wouldn’t answer him and that used to make him worse. He would come up
to the bedroom and waken the children after me having taken some time to get
them asleep. He would lift them out of their beds and take them into our room.
I would have to wait until he fell asleep and take the children back out. I
would be wrecked the next morning.
…I
seldom had a social life, as he would spend most of the day in the pub. When he
came home he would cause a lot of trouble if I said I was going out with my
friends. When he went to bed, I would get one of my family to baby-sit. I would
have to take my shoes off coming up the street in case he would hear me. I
would have to sleep in with one of the children in case I would waken him. I
locked him out one night as he wasn’t home at four o’ clock. He threw a brick
in the window and said ‘I might as well break them all while I’m at it.’ He
broke all the windows in our house back and front. He said, ‘you will open the
door the next time.’ My children were screaming- they were terrified. I had to
tell the council it was done during the night and that I didn’t know who had
done it. Otherwise I would have to pay for them myself.
…I
didn’t want to accept that there was a problem. I didn’t want my family to know
how my husband was behaving. I didn’t want the neighbours to know as we were
classed as the perfect couple.
Directory of Contacts
ACCORD
Central Office Maynooth,
Co. Kildare
(Tel:01 505 3112)
Email: accordco@iol.ie
ACCORD offers support to relationships in difficulty.
Barnardos
Central Office Christchurch Square
Dublin 8
(Tel: 01 453 0355)
Email: info@barnardos.ie
Barnardos provides a range of family support services.
Irish Society for the Prevention of Cruelty
to Children (ISPCC)
(Tel: 01 679 4944 / 679 5129)
Works to prevent physical, emotional and
environmental cruelty to children.
Legal Aid Board
(Tel: 01 661 5811 / 240 0900)
Email: legalaid@eircom.net
A statutory body that provides legal aid
and advice in civil cases.
Marriage and Relationship Counselling
Services (MRCS)
(Tel: 01 679 9341)
Counselling on marriage, relationship,
separation, divorce and mediation.
Parentline
Carmichael House,
Dublin 7
(Tel: 01 873 3500)
Email: parentline@tinet.ie
Provides helpline and support services for parents.
Rape Crisis Centres
Dublin
(Tel:1800 778 888)
Provides helpline and counselling for victims
of rape and sexual abuse.
The Samaritans
National Helpline 1850 60 90 90
A support service to people who are
anxious, depressed or suicidal.
Women's Aid
Freephone 1800 341 900
Provides information and support to women
who are being abused in the home.
Sonas Housing Association
148 Phibsboro Road
Dublin 7
(Tel: 01 830 9088)
Email: info@sonashousing.ie
Provides transitional housing and support to women affected ny domestic abuse
(Special thanks to Women’s Aid and to Sonas Housing Association for providing additional information related to this article)
